Let me start by saying, I am naturally anxious, pessimistic, melancholy, fearful (basically everything in the antonym list of laid back, faith-filled and courageous). In order to avoid worrying about all the details and possible consequences of this trip I have resorted to the recovering alcoholic method–avoid all temptation. When someone comments on how dangerous the trip might be or asks questions about finances, I just turn around and refuse to walk into that bar.
Yesterday a good friend of mine confronted me on some real issues regarding the trip. After talking with her, a flood of questions rushed to the surface like… Am I recklessly placing my life and Blanca’s in danger for a silly idea? Am I just doing this because I am bored? Is this just the ridiculous attention seeking stunt of a little girl still looking for her father’s approval? Is this some kind of judgmental rebellion against the apathy of much of the American church? What if nothing comes of this exorbitant expense other than a few faded memories? What if we get robbed? What if we get lost? kidnapped? thrown in prison? What about all those details left to work out? international phone plans? hotels? evacuation insurance? Will I have time to do everything I need to before December 28th?!?
Before I knew it I was drunk on the cocktail of questions and swearing off all forms in the future. Then on my way to work this morning at the credit union (Yes, I am a bank teller and yes, I do find that part of my life extremely boring. So boring in fact that I actually hope to be the victim of a bank robbery), I realized I have been approaching this with the wrong analogy in mind.
These questions and concerns are more like food than alcohol. They are absolutely necessary to consider, but because of my propensity toward overfeeding my anxiety and pessimism I must use moderation. I need to think about getting an international calling plan in case we get lost, but I don’t really need to be planning our escape from a Zimbabwean prison. I probably do need to sort through my various motivations for taking this trip as they are brought to light, but I do not need to constantly doubt whether or not God is leading us to do this.
Anyway, the point of all of this is to say, please tell me if you have thoughts, concerns, or questions… or if would like to help me work through that whole bank robber issue…
I’m sure Blanca would welcome the same… minus the bank robber
